On January 17th, 2019, I visited my brother Steve for what could very well have been the last time. We say that in times like this (he has a terminal brain tumor), but it’s true every time we visit those we love. You never know when your “time is up" or those close to you for that matter.
Case in point, I remember leaving my mom and dad’s house the last time that my dad was still alive. I didn’t think about anything other than navigating the 3 steps outside of the door after my dad warned me that “those sunzabitchezz are probably icy because of that jackassed eave spout isnt working like it’s supposed too!” (note: I’m paraphrasing these 21 years later, but I’m not far off... oh, and I may have cleaned it up a bit too!). As such, I said goodbye nonchalantly, no hugs or any nonsense like that, and proceeded to carefully negotiate each and every step. Down the sidewalk I went, never thinking twice about what has been an absolute in my life; Mom and Dad have been there every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life. Off into the dark I drove with the lights of home fading in the rear-view mirror.
I don’t remember what date that was but we took our final family picture with my dad on that visit.
It’s a picture that means the world to me! Looking at it now, my dad looks sick in the picture but he sure didn’t to my self-absorbed-arse during that visit. I missed a should-have-been cherished opportunity to say 4 simple words to him at any point during that visit; “I love you, dad!”.
A few weeks later, Jan. 25th during the second quarter of the Broncos/Packers Superbowl, I received a call from my mom that dad died that afternoon of a heart attack after he sat down for a nap. All opportunities that I thought I had left (if I ever thought of ANYTHING at that point) went into the ground at the turn of the month, early 1998.
I had missed my opportunity.
Many years later, my brother-in-law, Frank, got sick around Valentines day and within a short time ended up in the hospital. He was a beautiful soul, humble to the core, and wanted very few visitors. We did go to the hospital one night to have dinner with my sister, but that was it. I might add that he was built like the ol’ proverbial “brick sh!+-house” and was probably embarrassed that he was weakened at this point, but I don’t that for sure… purely speculation on my part as I never had a chance to discuss it with him. I wanted to sneak him in a beer and have another “Frank” moment, giggling like a couple of school girls, but it was not to be.
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| Uncle Frank with a couple of monkey's on his back! |
I missed another opportunity.
A few years later, I find myself sitting at work with my mind on anything but work. The afternoon before, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with stage-4 ugliness and was facing a good many months of treatments and she was on my mind as she was VERY involved with my family and was ALWAYS doing something with our boys!! She had them over on Wednesday nights during the summer where they would work on school related stuff, or watch movies or go out for sushi or whatever. Sometimes all of the above!
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| Aunt Molly visiting Mt. St. Helens with the Schmitz Mobile Chaos Unit. |
She attended all of their school concerts or whatever else, most of their sports events and take them up to grandma and grandpas for a few days during Spring Break. She even attended most of the gatherings on my side of the family as my peeps considered Molly one of their peeps. That’s just how involved she was.
Back to that morning at work… I was working on a supposed problem with work with a nagging sensation to text her and see how she was doing after 15 or so hours of processing the news that she was really friggin’ sick!
I didn’t.
I did not want to bother her, figuring it might set her off on an emotional landslide-of-poo at the start of her school day and most certainly did NOT want to upset her while in front of students. 1.5 hours later, my wife and I walked out of Methodist Hospital with the reality that we had to inform family members and friends of her passing.
Are you sensing a pattern yet? I had missed yet another important opportunity.
A little over a year later, my father-in-law was taken by ambulance to the hospital, being unresponsive and many other issues. We were leaving for a long-planned trip to Hawaii in four days with this fella not looking so good. We went up to see him and it looked worse than we had imagined.
We figured we’d come home from Hawaii with funeral planning on the list, but it was not to be. While he remained in the hospital for a total of 70 days, my mother-in-law was in and out of the hospital with her own issues, only to succumb the day before my F.I.L. was released.
This time though, when I had the chance, I told her that I loved her and it was okay if she wanted to go.
I’m learning! She passed about 3 days later.
I have since had conversations with my father-in-law where I have expressed what he’s meant to me as well as where he’s falling short and quite frankly, being an asshole. I think our relationship has strengthened from that honesty as he really, really, REALLY likes to be honest! LOL!
Advance a few more months and my oldest sibling, my brother Steve, was diagnosed with glioblastoma, a terminal type of brain cancer, right around Christmas time. Frankly speaking, my four siblings and I have led a fairly blessed existence up to this point. Oh sure there’s been surgery’s for bodily mishaps/malfunctions and a severe motorcycle accident, but mostly just blessed.
Now, my brother faces the mortality that we all think about, but are now forced to think about in a far more imminent situation. Goodbye’s might just be the goodbyes that we all dread and take for granted while we’re all young, starry eyed and full of the proverbial piss and vinegar!
When I said goodbye to him this time, it carried a weight that was almost unbearable… too heavy to carry on my own if not for a belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. As I watched him say goodbye to my boys, I felt a hurt in my heart, and from him, that I simply cannot explain.
It left me feeling empty and very strange. Hurting bad.
While I had the opportunity to tell my bro that I love him, and I DID, I also had a chance to say sooooooooo much more that I simply could not get out of my mouth because of the strong emotions. I love this guy on levels that are hard to explain. Pretty much the same as my other brother and two sisters, but unique to all of them.
My brother Steve was/is somebody that I’ve always looked up too!
I can go back to late 1974 when my mom announced that she was going to Kmart and if anybody would like to go with her. I was 4 years old and really liked going to the store but I opted to stay home and watch football with my brother. It was the Cowboys vs. the Raiders. Cowboys lost but that didn’t matter. I became a Cowboys fan because of him!
A few years later, 1978, I believe, I was relieving myself (yeah, that's right!) when I heard music coming out of my brothers bedroom. I had never heard anything like it and I was HOOKED!! It was Side 3 of KISS’s Alive II record and the song was, "I Stole Your Love". It’s truly one of my favorite KISS songs to this day! I made many attempts to steal his KISS Alive II record (he eventually just gave it to me!) and when I saw the nasty, bloody picture of Gene Simmons on the back cover:
along with the picture inside of the gatefold:
it was all over for me. I was going to be a guitarist in a rock and roll band! Done.
After my obsession with KISS and music in general (note: I had love Elvis and Jim Croce previously and remember performing Hound Dog up at relatives houses if anybody would watch the 3 year old atrocity that was me!), I began building stages for my Adventure People to perform concerts on. These were elaborate presentations involving Christmas lights, tin foil and other household products, set to soundtracks of either KISS Alive I or Alive II.
My brother designed a small guitar for my Adventure people to “play”. It was a BEAUTIFUL GUITAR, in my mind anyway, and I couldn’t stop looking at it even tho it was simply drawn on paper and glued to a piece of cardboard from a model car box. It was PERFECT! It was white with a black pickguard. It was the shape that I would come to know later on as a Fender Stratocaster. The exact guitar that I’m remembering was played by Jake E. Lee when he was with Ozzy Osbourne:
It is likely no coincidence that my favorite guitar that I own is a Fender Strat.
My brother also had an old desk in his room… Can’t remember for sure if it was built by our Grandpa Bill, but it had some silly drawings on it that grandpa had done. The great part about this desk is that my brother had about ½ a million model car parts in the bottom right drawer. He was pretty open to letting me in there with my friends to build “Frankenstien” motors out of spare parts even tho I had NO CLUE as to what a real motor might look like.
My brother also subscribed to Hot Rod magazine. I used to stare at those cars and trucks with a longing that would be unhealthy if I were to continue... I still look at hot rods in an unhealthy way, but know that my salary cannot support the guitar habit along with a car habit!
On top of all of that, I lived with my Bro’s family for two summers back before and after my senior year of hight school... I was not successfully up to punk status at that point… probably just pain in the shorts status. I was flailing along looking for something to cling to as to how to become an adult. Not that I ever wanted to be an adult, but we’re all shoved into that reality at some point. Steve and his wife Kathy provided valuable training on top of what my mom and dad provided.
He had a quiet humbleness to him and taught me how to behave in public as an adult (some of that stuck... other parts, not so much). My dad was okay at this but had a certain crudeness that was usually enduring but certainly not always fit for public consumption. My brother had a professionalism about how he handled himself in public situations that provided a road map for me as a daddy for my boys!
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| Steve with Rob and Caleb. Note the Washington Redskins RGIII jersey that Rob has on and the Cowboys shirt that Steve is sporting! There was a good many back & forth's this fine day! |
My respect for Steve and his wife Kathy has never diminished. I've talked about him but to say little about Kathy would be a terrific disservice! She was amazing as she navigated this latest, horrific, life blow and went above and beyond to keep him at home as long as possible! A truly amazing person who my family is blessed to know.
It was extremely emotional as we had to say goodbye’s that Thursday, Jan. 17th… As we left their house, the conversation in the truck told me that my brothers impact on my life would not be limited to me, but it had carried on to my boys as well. You can't take that away!!
My bro, your life touched many people, more deeply than I think you would ever imagine! And I believe your impact will continue for generations!
Thank you, Steve, and I LOVE YOU!!! God calls us all in His time, go in peace and do not miss your opportunity! It is well deserved.
